A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that little Johnny was wearing a red fire man's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever.
When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly.
Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there son, but I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck."
"Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."
Contributed by: Will
Friday, October 5, 2007
Job Security
For immediate Release
Press Release Re: Job Security
Important Notice for Highway Department Road Workers
Breaking news that 50,000 road workers to loose their jobs by the end of May 1998. News from the White House indicates that the Japanese have improved our technology once again to develop new equipment that will replace these present crew members. It seems they've come up with a shovel that will stand up by itself.
Contributed by: Richard
Press Release Re: Job Security
Important Notice for Highway Department Road Workers
Breaking news that 50,000 road workers to loose their jobs by the end of May 1998. News from the White House indicates that the Japanese have improved our technology once again to develop new equipment that will replace these present crew members. It seems they've come up with a shovel that will stand up by itself.
Contributed by: Richard
In the Light
Three pastors and their wives were car-pooling their way back from a revival when suddenly their van slid off the side of a cliff. Sadly, they were all killed. At the Pearly Gates, Peter called the first couple forward.
Looking through his book, Peter looked up at the first preacher sharply, "You hypocrit!" he boomed, "All you ever cared about in your life was money! 'Money is evil' 'Money won't buy you happiness!' 'Money THIS...' 'Money THAT...'. Yet you've hoarded money all your life! You were the wealthiest person in your whole community. In fact, you were so consumed with money that you married a woman named 'Penny,' isn't that so?" he demanded. Obviously shaken, the preacher meekly responded, "Y-yes, Sir, That's true..."
"Well, you DID preach the gospel, so I won't send you off to you-know-where, but you DON'T get to come in the FRONT gate. You have to walk all the way AROUND heaven and enter in the BACK door. Off you go!"
And the couple went shamefully on their way.
St. Peter leered at the next pastor, "And YOU!" Peter hissed. "All YOU ever talked and cared about was ALCOHOL! 'The bottle THIS...' and 'The bottle THAT...' Yet, you've been drunk nearly EVERY time you preached. In fact, you were so consumed with alcohol and drinking that you married a woman named 'Brandy', ISN'T THAT SO!!?" he accused. The pastor only nodded in shame.
"Well, you, too preached a powerful sermon -- despite being drunk -- so no hell for you either. But YOU don't get to come in the FRONT gate, either. You have to walk all the way AROUND heaven and enter in the BACK door. Off with you!" And the couple slowly shuffled off.
"And YOU!!..." St. Peter began.
The third Pastor held up his hand to silence St. Peter and turned to his wife and said, "We'd better start walkin', Fanny."
Contributed by: Danno
Looking through his book, Peter looked up at the first preacher sharply, "You hypocrit!" he boomed, "All you ever cared about in your life was money! 'Money is evil' 'Money won't buy you happiness!' 'Money THIS...' 'Money THAT...'. Yet you've hoarded money all your life! You were the wealthiest person in your whole community. In fact, you were so consumed with money that you married a woman named 'Penny,' isn't that so?" he demanded. Obviously shaken, the preacher meekly responded, "Y-yes, Sir, That's true..."
"Well, you DID preach the gospel, so I won't send you off to you-know-where, but you DON'T get to come in the FRONT gate. You have to walk all the way AROUND heaven and enter in the BACK door. Off you go!"
And the couple went shamefully on their way.
St. Peter leered at the next pastor, "And YOU!" Peter hissed. "All YOU ever talked and cared about was ALCOHOL! 'The bottle THIS...' and 'The bottle THAT...' Yet, you've been drunk nearly EVERY time you preached. In fact, you were so consumed with alcohol and drinking that you married a woman named 'Brandy', ISN'T THAT SO!!?" he accused. The pastor only nodded in shame.
"Well, you, too preached a powerful sermon -- despite being drunk -- so no hell for you either. But YOU don't get to come in the FRONT gate, either. You have to walk all the way AROUND heaven and enter in the BACK door. Off with you!" And the couple slowly shuffled off.
"And YOU!!..." St. Peter began.
The third Pastor held up his hand to silence St. Peter and turned to his wife and said, "We'd better start walkin', Fanny."
Contributed by: Danno
In The Dark
A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
Doctor: "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
Priest: "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."
Priest: "Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
George: "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
Priest: "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
Doctor: "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
Engineer: "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Contributed by: David and the archives
http://www.allworld.net/allworld/jokes/prvwklst.html
Engineer: "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
Doctor: "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
Priest: "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."
Priest: "Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
George: "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
Priest: "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
Doctor: "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
Engineer: "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Contributed by: David and the archives
http://www.allworld.net/allworld/jokes/prvwklst.html
I Have Something To Tell You...
There are two nice bachelor brothers who live with their mother, Jim and Bob. A business trip took Bob out of town for a few days but he promised to call home on a regular basis to find out how things are going.
As good as his word, Bob called home the next day and Jim answered the phone. Bob asked, "So how's everything going?"
Jim replied, "The cat's dead. He fell out the window."
Bob was furious at the way his brother responded to his question and told him the bad news in such a callouse manner. He told Jim his feelings in no uncertain terms.
Jim asked, "So how would you have liked me to respond?"
Bob went on, "First you could have told me that you accidentally left the window open. Then the cat jumped out of the window and landed on the small roof below. We called the emergency response team, who tried for nearly and hour to coax the cat back into the house all the while trying to reach him by ladder from the outside. In spite of everyone's efforts, the cat lost his footing fell off the roof and died from his injuries."
Jim responded, "Oh. I see..."
Bob then asked Jim, "So how's Mom?"
Jim said, "I accidentally left the window open and the cat got out. Well, see... it's like this... Mom went out the window onto the small roof to try to get the cat...."
Contributed by: Althea and the archives
http://www.allworld.net/allworld/jokes/prvwklst.html
As good as his word, Bob called home the next day and Jim answered the phone. Bob asked, "So how's everything going?"
Jim replied, "The cat's dead. He fell out the window."
Bob was furious at the way his brother responded to his question and told him the bad news in such a callouse manner. He told Jim his feelings in no uncertain terms.
Jim asked, "So how would you have liked me to respond?"
Bob went on, "First you could have told me that you accidentally left the window open. Then the cat jumped out of the window and landed on the small roof below. We called the emergency response team, who tried for nearly and hour to coax the cat back into the house all the while trying to reach him by ladder from the outside. In spite of everyone's efforts, the cat lost his footing fell off the roof and died from his injuries."
Jim responded, "Oh. I see..."
Bob then asked Jim, "So how's Mom?"
Jim said, "I accidentally left the window open and the cat got out. Well, see... it's like this... Mom went out the window onto the small roof to try to get the cat...."
Contributed by: Althea and the archives
http://www.allworld.net/allworld/jokes/prvwklst.html
How Deep Is That Thing?
Two guys are walking thru the woods and come across this big deep hole.
"Wow...that looks deep."
"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?" "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
Contributed by: Laura
"Wow...that looks deep."
"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?" "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
Contributed by: Laura
House of Flame
A blonde's house is somehow set on fire so she runs outside to use a pay phone to call for help.
She gets the 911 operator, and is transferred to the firehouse.
"Mr. Fireman, my house is on fire. You have to help me!"
The Fireman replies, "Yes, yes Miss. And how do I find your house?"
The blonde pauses a moment, and replies, "Umm, it's the house that's on fire. You'll see the big red flames."
Realizing now that he's talking to a blonde, the fireman replies, "No Miss. You don't understand. How would you like me to get to your house?"
Reacting with frustration, she says, "A big red truck. Duh!"
Contributed by: JaneDoe
She gets the 911 operator, and is transferred to the firehouse.
"Mr. Fireman, my house is on fire. You have to help me!"
The Fireman replies, "Yes, yes Miss. And how do I find your house?"
The blonde pauses a moment, and replies, "Umm, it's the house that's on fire. You'll see the big red flames."
Realizing now that he's talking to a blonde, the fireman replies, "No Miss. You don't understand. How would you like me to get to your house?"
Reacting with frustration, she says, "A big red truck. Duh!"
Contributed by: JaneDoe
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